


Lies

by NykonaSharrowkyn



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anger, Character Death, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 19:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3393560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NykonaSharrowkyn/pseuds/NykonaSharrowkyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: Sadly I don’t own the Turtles in real life but in my imagination they are all mine.</p><p>Just to warn you, English is not my first language. Expect a few grammar mistakes and what not.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Lies

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Sadly I don’t own the Turtles in real life but in my imagination they are all mine.
> 
> Just to warn you, English is not my first language. Expect a few grammar mistakes and what not.

It is hard to tell when my feelings for him changed into more than just just brotherly love. Somehow, it seems these feelings have always been there, right under the surface. I think I have loved him all my life even before I knew what love is. For better or worse, nobody moves me as he does. I would never admit it out loud but my world revolves around him.

Images of memories most precious to me keep on playing in my mind:

_We are 4 years old._  
 _“Leo, do ya wanna play with me?”_  
 _“Sure, Raphie. What do you want to play?”_  
 _We spend hours chasing each other and wrestling with each other. Our laughter and giggling echoes throughout the lair. He is my favourite playmate and I remember how happy I always used to be whenever we played with each other._  
 _“You are my best friend forever”, Leo says._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_We are 7 years old. My fear and disgust of bugs is in full bloom. Nightmares keep me up at night. I make my way to Leo’s room and stand in front of his bed. I do not know how he does it but he senses my presence and lifts his sheets. I crawl into bed with him and he pulls me close, running soothing circles over my carapace. My head is buried in the crook of his neck while I silently cry._  
 _“Shhh, Raphie, when we are together nothing can hurt us”, Leo whispers._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_We are 10 years old. We argue about something silly and things get heated. Even back then, I have perfected the art of stomping off and running away. I run through the sewers without paying a lot of attention. As always trouble finds me and I end up hanging a few meters above ground from an old pipe, underneath me a big nest of cockroaches. My arms are trembling and so am I. I can’t pull myself up again and the thought of falling into the cockroaches petrifies me. Suddenly I hear my brother calling for me. The relief I feel brings tears to my eyes. He hears my soft sobs. He is standing in the middle of the nest, arms outstretched and tells me to let go of the pipe. He catches me in his arms and I say “Thank you”._  
 _“I will always be there to catch you when you fall, Raphie”._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_We are 15. He is our leader now. We are allowed to go topside and it is exhilarating. I love the freedom we have. We run into trouble. About a dozen Foot surround us. Each one of us caught up in his own fights. One of the Foot manages to sneak up on me without me noticing but Leo is suddenly there and sends the Foot flying. For the rest of the fight he and I are back to back. On our way home, I thank him._  
 _“No big deal. I will always have your back just as you have mine”._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_We are at the farmhouse and you are still unconscious, beaten to an inch of death by Shredder and his Elite. I barely leave your side. Too afraid that if I leave you alone for more than a few minutes you will be gone forever. I’m scared as never before on my life. One night my fear overwhelms me and I start crying. “Please, don’t leave me. I need you”. I feel so helpless and useless. With the fear of losing you holding me in a tight grip I almost miss you are opening your eyes. To this day I cannot fathom what drives me to act on my feelings. Laughing and crying at the same time I lean forward and kiss you softly on your lips. You look surprised and very confused but not disgusted or angry. Before either of us can say anything the door opens and Donnie walks through. His screams of joy alarm the others and the room fills with people. Later that day we are alone again. My thoughts are racing, I’m struggling for words to apologise to you. You look up to me and smile “No explanation needed, Raphie”. He pulls me down for our first kiss. It’s all clumsy, neither of us really knows what to do but it’s a perfect kiss nevertheless._  
 _“I’ve been waiting for this for such a long time. You are my other half”, he says._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_He always calls me Raphie when we are alone. I feel content and grounded. He does that to me. To the outside world I’m still the hothead, only he gets to see the softer side of me. We still argue, compete and fight with each other though not as frequently or viciously as before. Despite our relationship we are still Leo and Raph. We often talk about the future. How we will sit on the couch all old and wrinkly, holding hands and holding our walking stick in the other hand. Leo looks at me with a serious look on his face “I’m looking forward to grow old with you. We will always be together”._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

_A year after our relationship has started we make love for the first time. My beloved is on top of me, moving agonizingly slow. We are out of breath but keep on kissing. His scent gently strokes my nose. I can’t get enough of him. Leo pulls back and looks at me, a plethora of emotions run over his face. “I love you, Raphie. I always did and always will”, he whispers._  
 _I believe him, I trust him._  
 _But it’s a lie._

One night it all ended. Everything he ever said was a lie. My anger and hatred are alive and burning. They are what keeps me going. If I ever lose them the pain is going to crush me.

Here we are now. A year has passed since we have last been here. Our special place. You are with me and it’s time to tell you how I feel. How much you have hurt me with your lies. Your betrayal. I don’t know how to start and you stay quiet. My anger rises and I start yelling “WHY? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I BELIEVED YOU. I TRUSTED YOU. WHY DID YOU BETRAY ME?” My screams get louder, I sound like a wounded animal. I scream until my throat gets sore. Still you keep quiet. I stumble over to a rock and bash my fists against it over and over again. My hands are bleeding heavily and I’m sure a few fingers are broken. The walls around my heart shatter one by one. The pain all over my hands is nothing compared to the agony I’m feeling inside. My legs don’t support me anymore and I drop down to my knees. I feel lost. The pain is overwhelming. All dams have broken. I can barely breathe anymore. Finally the tears are coming. All the emotions I’ve kept inside for a year are flooding down to the ground. My heart gets pulverized into a million pieces. I crawl over to the rock. Between sobs I yell “HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME? DON’T YOU KNOW I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU?” My voice breaks and I whisper “Please, come back to me. I can’t do this without you. I love you. You are my best friend, my soulmate, my other half”. Still no reaction from you. Shakily I get on my feet again. Looking at the dark sky, the stars “BRING HIM BACK TO ME, PLEASE. PLEASE”. All my anger is spent. I feel completely numb and empty. I lean my head on the cold rock that marks your grave. I’m so, so tired. The tears don’t stop coming. “It’s all my fault. You weren’t supposed to die. The bullet was meant for me, not for you. Why did you do that?”

Donnie, Mikey, April and Casey watch everything from a distance. By now they are all crying. Donnie says “He held everything in for so long. Maybe now he can start healing”. They hear the broken sobs of Raph and finally walk over to him.


End file.
